We want things we cannot have. We seek to reclaim a certain moment, sound, sensation. I want to hear my mother’s voice. I want to see my children as children. Hands small, feet swift. Everything changes. Boy grown, father dead, daughter taller than me, weeping from a bad dream. Please stay forever, I say to the things I know. Don’t go. Don’t grow. – Patti Smith, M Train

I have no children to speak of, no husband to mourn, yet my soul responds as if it knew. How can I connect with such a passage, written by a woman 40 years my senior?

The melancholy of my soul from forever ago.

 

internal/external

Old school project inspired by Kabuki dance.
The soundtrack was possibly this.

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An interview with the filmmakers of “The Unspeakable Truth”

Listen to this. Yes.

CKUT 90.3 FM News Collective

[audio https://ia902307.us.archive.org/26/items/unspeakabletruthFINAL/unspeakabletruthFINAL.mp3]

Click here to download audio

What does it mean to be gay and Haitian? The documentary project “The Unspeakable Truth”  examines this question by interviewing and telling the stories of members of the LGBT Haitian community in Montreal. Filmmakers Benjamin Gardere and Koralie Woodward were inspired by a photography project of Koralie’s where she took portraits of the Haitain LGBT community. After meeting their first subjects and hearing their stories, the pair knew they had to dig deeper and share their findings with the world. It became more than just portraits of a community; it needed to expand into the portrait of a culture. A short version of the film will be available in December.

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Layers

i had to revisit this series to find an image i had not seen before.

i’m inspired again.

This is where I am.

For the first time, I think I can say that I am determined to get the hell out of that rut. I don’t know how yet, but I know it needs to happen. Fast. I spent the evening last Friday at my friend’s atelier, bought myself some watercolors and a notebook so I can reconnect with the physicality of creating an image on paper, something I don’t always have with photography. We had a wonderful meditation circle as a group and, in a moment I can only describe as bliss/release I burst out Laughing and crying and laughing. I could barely tell the difference. The water pouring out my eyes felt like an explosion of dirty sewer water, grainy and green. It was like cleaning out.

I am on a path that seems to be right. I feel like I still have the shackles I put myself on my feet, but I don’t pull on them with rage anymore. I feel like now, I am trying to find out where I put the key, so I can gently take them off and leap to the new adventure.

I have to remind myself to be grateful.

So right now, I feel like I am on a journey. Or at least preparing myself actively to go on a journey. A creative and spiritual journey. I read a lot about artists and their processes. I read about finding the creative in me. I have not written in a while, but I just did, right here.

This is where I am.

k

/dikɔtɔmi/

en frappant le mur, dédoublement.

Bon Iver was the music.

x SÉADE

energy x connection

Messiaen was our playlist.

Do not let yourself be paralyzed by fear, for you will live a life filled with regrets

I am reminded of this every day.

Rasin Racines Roots /ʁa.sin/

After an evening immersed in Haitian music, I let my body guide me. Ma terre m’a parlée. Mon corp a eu besoin de s’exprimer. Mizik la monte nan san m’. M’oblije reponn.

RAM was my soundtrack tonight.

I am feeling so displaced, like I am not where I am supposed to be. Not really physically, mostly spiritually. Mostly creatively. Something fundamental is missing, and I have yet to find it. And this piece, this thing, this missing thing created a void that is all-encompassing. And it has been wrapping my creative life in its tentacles until I can only breathe the frosty cold air of nothingness.
I am tired of thinking empty thoughts. I need real air. The earth. The sun. The sea.

By body jerks with emotions, hoping for a place to live outside of my soul. Seeking solace in the lens, the paint, the paper.