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just kids

it felt as though my throat was holding a ball of fire ready to shoot from my mouth. I forced it closed. i was on my long ride home.

i have never cried reading a book. perhaps it is the true story it emanated from that drives me to tears.

perhaps it is the life they have lived. perhaps it is the sense of hope i got from reading her words.

i sit here typing, tears pouring uncontrolably from my burning eyes. sipping on vodka-pellegrino. with a hint of rose’s lime. Patti’s words filling the air.

mourning the loss of a great artist. 22 years too late.

mourning the loss of my virginity from rock and roll. 25 years too late.

mourning the loss of my naiveté.

mourning all the wasted years trying to find a direction.

mourning the wasted years trying to be a real artist. when a real artist i have been all along.

i sit here typing, sobbing uncontrollably. sipping my vodka. wishing for a cigarette. and a lover to share this energy with.

i knew seldom of her existance, if only of her name. a living legend emulated by many i have crossed paths with. yet, i never thought to pay attention.

i sit here sobbing. mourning the years i spent not knowing of her words. her sound. her life.

it took my impulsive spender of a person to purchase a book because of the photograph and the photographer it spoke of. to purchase a book because i could speak of owning a signed copy of a legends memoir.

by page nine, i knew my life was to change once i would have read the last words.

and it has.

I sit here sobbing the years i thought i could never catch up to become more than just the artist who spoke of her work yet hid it in her basement. in boxes of ilford fiber based paper. in a room full of humidity.

i am filled with hope. i am filled with hope of becoming more than this.

i have not lived la vie bohème as only they could in 1969’s new york city. i have not nearly admired as many greats as only they could.

but i have work to speak of. and work to show. i have work inspired by what i see. what i live. what i hear. and what i have lost.

i have work to produce. i have a voice i need to let loose. inspired by the pages i have read these past five days.

i am filled with hope knowing that it is never too late. you can never start too late.

i am filled with hope knowing that the tingle i felt as i entered CGGB on it’s final year meant something.

i was to figure it out five years later. reading the words of one who set foot on the very stage that moved my bones uncontrollably, that chilly afternoon in the bowery.

to Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe.

january 8 2011

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whether you like it or not

life brings you places sometimes. and it is not always what you expect. and it is not always what you planned.
and life brings you people sometimes. and you are never quite sure what to do at first. and you are never quite sure what it means at first.
and you stop thinking. close your eyes. and feel the breeze. and let yourself be pushed and pulled and led by the breeze. and you let your heart feel the breeze. and your mind feel the breeze.
and when the breeze never stops. and the breeze goes from warm to cool to warm to cool to warm.
and your voice wants to sing. and your eyes want to make stills. and your hands want to bathe in paint. and your body wants to lift and twirl and shake and fall and lift again.
and you refuse to let it stop.
and you lift and twirl and shake and fall and lift.
and write. and talk. and laugh. and smile. and breathe.
and open your eyes.
and record stills.

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i want to perform this someday

And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy’s and talk about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don’t listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you’re sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your breasts your arse your
and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you’re late and be amazed when you’re early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I’m black and be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I’d known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you’re angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you’re gorgeous and hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you and whimper when I’m not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I’m rejecting you when I’m not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don’t believe me and have a feeling so deep I can’t find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I’d get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it’s empty without you and want want you want and think I’m losing myself but know I’m safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less and answer your questions when I’d rather not and tell you the truth when I really dont’ want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it’s all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it’s a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you.”
CRAVE – Sarah Kane

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an instant film visual for james

Because James asked me and i wanted to show him.

My favorite type of film:

the  664 film type. discontinued. almost impossible to find. even on ebay. my baby box stays in the fridge until a good project comes along. *the yellow sticker reads DISCONTINUED in many languages. bought this box in the summer at the US headquarters of the Impossible Project in Chinatown New York. Cameras to use include the Polaroid back for the Holga from Lomography.

Fuji makes the equivalent (or what they call equivalent) in color and black and white. again hard to find. and expensive.

Then there is the completly discontinued film and camera: the colorpack 80. unfortunately my film has expired since 1978. so i got a black image tonight. i bought this camera at a trift store. the film was included.

there is also the one most commonly found: the 600 type camera. film is still being produced. my favorite film is the PX SilverShade. you can also by PX ColorShade and Blue and Chocolate film on the Impossible Project website.

 

The alternative when all this becomes too hard/expensive/impossible, go for Fuji Instamatic film. wallet sized photographs on the go. very good color quality (cold colors as is regular Fuji film of any kind). your skies will always be blue.

camera options include, the Chocolate Instax Mini:

 

or the Diana from Lomography with Instax Back

 

Websites to check out:

http://www.the-impossible-project.com/

http://www.lomography.com/

http://www.ebay.ca/

 

Some artists who’s polaroids have influenced me:

http://www.mapplethorpe.org/

http://evergon.ca/portfolio.php

http://vtdw-portfolio.co.uk/

but keep looking into it. i have spoken to some founders of the impossible project. the more we shoot. the more they can produce.

never stop shooting.

 

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