Photography

internal/external

Old school project inspired by Kabuki dance.
The soundtrack was possibly this.

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the next two years are going to be grand

i have no yet shared this. i was waiting for it to be official.

i will be going back to school. full-time. at night. and work. too.

 i am actually really really excited. i am going to learn how to make it in the business of commercial photography/magazines/advertizing/anything  i can get from my learning experience.

for those of you who know me, i have a BA in theatre and photography. blending both of my passions into one degree, i learned everything i could about how to be more creative, how to be critical, to produce work that can hold their own in a gallery, and defend my work from the harsh critics out there (believe me, i know how harsh they can be, i am one of the worst you’ll encounter… i should have considered this as a career path.) yet, after graduating, i have not produced a single substantial body of work. and i have never exhibited my work. and have had one paid contract. ever.

after graduation, i got lost in the real world, wondering where to go and what to do with my artsy-fartsy self. so i decided to go against all odds. massage therapy. don’t get me wrong, i absolutely loved it. and i was good at it. i took my classes, passed most exams, failed a couple. i met amazingly beautiful people and learned so much about myself.  ( i like to call it the best, most conclusive, cheap, intensive therapy i could get!) i learned about the body, my body, others’ body. i learned about depth and intuition, and souls and energy. and compassion. and love. and then, i failed my finals, dropped everything and went back to get lost in the real world. except this time, i had a partner in crime 🙂

a year later, here i am getting ready to start classes again.

i was at walmart last night, getting catnip for the cats (yes, my love and i have 2 black cats, with way too much attitude to handle!) and the minute we hit the school supplies, i felt like a little girl and wanted to buy everything. really, everything. the point is, i am excited because i will be learning the dark side of my craft: the commercial side.

for so long, i stood strong against the idea of digital photography and commercial work, blindly thinking that it was destroying the process, and that photoshop was killing authenticity, and yada yada yada. i will admit, i am still in love with the process of analog photography, and make it one of my mission to keep doing it until there is no more film to be developed. there is nothing like really thinking about your image before pressing the shutter, and creating a good image without the help of softwares we all know of. but.

but. technologies are changing. and the reality is, this is what it is, now. and whether i like it or not, there is no denying that i need to keep up with the field. and so, here i am going back to school. i have got a lot to learn. you’d think i’d know everything by now, being a photographer for 14 years now (i’m not that old, i was just young when i started.) but no. i don’t. and so, i am getting ready to learn everything, from advanced studio lighting, to food photography, to fashion, to building my website and working in magazines. i need to understand more about the business of commercial photography. and, in montreal, there is no place like dawson college.

so i am happy to say i will be a full time commercial photography student for the next two years.

i’m really really excited.

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it isn’t the way this works

writing again.

its not that i wanted to stop. it just happened. i tried to go back to it many times. opening this page and browsing elsewhere. reading everybody else’s writings. and never writing my own.

i try to be a better blogger. i never used to care about who read what about my life. it is one form of art, is it not? and art is about the artist. right? yet i find myself censoring my words, as though there was something to hide. or something not to share.

believe me when i say, i have nothing to hide. there is too much to share, maybe. i cannot get around to choosing what i want to share, maybe.

i have got so many things running through my mind. past and present. my histories come back and forth, and sometimes i just don’t know what to do about it.  they come in dreams, in music, in words. in places. i have dreams of my childhood, of places i have been, people i have fucked. i have dreams of the present. of the future. i have dreams of my partner, of our future. of people i know, of people i want to know. i want to be.

i smoke cigarettes, pretending to be great writers. i smoke a joint, hoping to have the mind of a great painter. living as though my actions will make me something more than what i am already. i sit around reading books about meditation, queer studies, photography, hoping to gain any form of inspiration i can get. in any way possible.

but of course. it isn’t the way this works. you see, i sit around dreaming, hoping, thinking that someday, yes someday, i can be one of the greats that we look up to and idolize. but of course. it isn’t the way this works. and yet, i am sitting here, writing about it. pretending to be a great writer.

i go through phases. one day i am a painter, the next i am a writer. most days though, i am a photographer. who has not photographed in close to a year now.

the one thing i am always, is an artist in search of a medium to call my own.

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